


Why Shinji Hirako Hates Wasps

by FungusWitch



Category: Bleach
Genre: Awkwardness, F/M, Look I really can't put in the tags what happens without giving away the joke, NSFW, Not gross, Reader-Insert, Shinji has a little accident, comedy?, not smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 03:21:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9950069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FungusWitch/pseuds/FungusWitch
Summary: In which Shinji learns he should do a little more research before experimentation.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My friend had the idea. I had the time to write it. Thus, this mess was born. Sorry in advance

It was a cruel twist of fate that a day chained to desk duty and its cruel taskmistress, paperwork, left you more exhausted than a day of patrols. You'd accepted the assignment on the assumption that you could drink tea all day, complete the work early, and stare out of the window. Then, perhaps leave early and join your boyfriend for a night on the town. There were rumours of a live music bar in the Rukongai that Shinji was foaming at the mouth to go visit.

 _That_ , you thought as you staggered home four hours past the end of your shift, eyes dry and gritty, neck and back aching and hunched like a bent old tree, _probably isn't going to happen._

How much begging would it take to make Shinji cobble together something for you to eat? And how much pouting to make him put those long, thin fingers to use and rub some of the ache out of your neck?

A yawn cracked your jaw open wide. You didn't bother to cover it. Evening was already shading into night. Soon the moon would be up, full and fat. Which is what you wanted to be, right now. The two-feet high stack of paperwork hadn't left you any time to eat.

The door to your quarters finally came into sight, the light spilling from under the door welcome in the gloom. You staggered toward it. Those last steps seemed the hardest. Your hand hit the door, curled around the handle, and slid it open.

'Shinjiiii~' you called, your voice petulant as a five-year-old's. 'I'm tired and hungry and achy. Make me feel better.' You were only half-joking.

Silence. Then, a muffled thump.

You frowned. Stepping inside, you closed the door behind you. 'Shinji?'

There was nothing unusual in the main room. The low couch where you and Shinji tended to lounge and listen to music was empty, save for a dented cushion, a rumpled blanket, and Shinji's headphones. The turntable was silent. No dinner cooked in the kitchen. You sighed.

'Hirako! You home?'

No response.

Normally he came running out with his arms thrown wide and a goofy grin. Or he’d at least slouch in to give you a kiss. Something white caught your eye on the floor. A tabi. You picked it up and flung it toward the the couch. It was too big to be yours.

You opened the bedroom door. The sheets on the futon were rumpled. A white taicho haori hung on the stand in the corner. Black and white clothes were strewn by Shinji’s side of the bed, but his cravat wasn’t there. One of your drawers stood open in the dresser.

No Shinji.

‘Hirako, you’d better not be parading around in my underwear!’ you called. _Though there’s an idea._

There was a clatter from the bathroom. Eerily like the sound of every shampoo bottle you and Shinji owned (mostly his) had fallen into the bath. Startled, you pulled open the bathroom door-

-and stopped-

-to stare at Shinji, naked as the day he was born. Save for the cravat, still tied around his neck with that silver pin. He stood in the centre of the room, every line of his body stiff, hands clasped over his crotch. His face was set in a rigor-mortis expression of terror. He was pale, but fast turning a blotchy shade of red. His teeth showed in a grimace.

‘Shinji?’ you asked, tentative. ‘What are you doing?’

‘N-nothin’.’ He spoke through his clenched teeth.

Unsurprisingly, that answer did little to reassure you. Shinji Hirako did not stutter. Your eyebrows crashed down in a frown. ‘Uh-huh. You’re standing stark bollock naked in the bathroom, doing ‘n-nothin’.’

Shinji looked around wildly. His stomach spasmed and he caught himself on the shower stall, his grip white-knuckled, his other hand shifting to fully cover his privates. His head drooped forward, short golden hair falling down around his ears. Concerned, you reached out to touch his shoulder. He was trembling beneath your hand.

‘Baby, what’s wrong? Are you sick?’

‘N-no!’ He bent double, a shudder running up his spine, then quickly jerked back upright. His bangs stuck to his forehead with sweat. He attemped a grin but it strained to the point of breaking around the edges. 'I'll be all right. Go relax, d-doll-'

'Have you hurt yourself?' you demanded. If Shinji wasn't complaining, then it must be serious. He whined piteously over a papercut but would grit his teeth through broken ribs. Shinji's head shook rapidly, flinging his hair from side to side. _Bullshit._

You surged forward. He was in no position to stop you when your fingers clamped around his wrist and pulled his hand away from his crotch, yanking it out to one side. His cock bobbed upward, stiff and twitching, and as red as his face. _What the hell?_ He never went that red unless you'd had two or three rounds, or had been teasing him for a long time.

'Well, that explains the clothes on the floor, and the sheets,' you muttered, letting go of his wrist. He wrapped his arm around himself. His posture was hunched, his lean thighs clenched together. 'Did you pull something? Hit your balls the wrong way? Only you could hurt yourself masturbating, Shinji.'

He glared at you from under his bangs. It was rather ruined by the throbbing erection.

You slung an arm around his back, urging him toward the door. 'Come on. You can sit on the couch and I'll get you some ice,' you said, holding in sniggers. This would be good collateral for days.

He stopped dead. 'N-nah, don't be silly, darlin', I'll just take a cold shower-' He cut off with a groan, teeth biting down into his thin lower lip. The cords in his neck stood out, and he clenched up. 'Nng.'

Okay, seriously what the fuck? 'Shinji, tell me what the hell is going on right now.'

He flushed an even deeper red. 'I-I can't.'

'Why not?'

'I...' His eyes darted to one side. He swallowed.

In the sudden silence, you could hear a sound that had slipped your notice before. You'd been too busy concentrating on your boyfriend.

A low, muffled hum.

_Bzzzzt._

Rumpled sheets. Scattered clothes. Open drawer. Your head cranked round to look at Shinji. No. _No._

_Bzzzzt._

Shinji's face paled. 'Baby, I-'

Your voice was calm, cooler than Rukia Kuchiki's bankai. 'Did you put my vibrator up your ass?'

Shinji choked. Moving slow, you circled around him. He tried to shuffle around, hiding his back from you. Grabbing his shoulders, you kept him in place. Long, firm back tapering to slim hips and his small butt, now clenched tight. Grimly, you straightened up.

'Correction. Did you get my vibrator _stuck_ up your ass?'

As if in agreement: _bzzzzt._

All thought vanished. A crisp, empty whiteness filled your mind. Your ears were full of white noise, which slowly escalated to blend into the quiet buzzing emanating from Shinji Hirako's rectum. A convulsion shook you. While he stared at you in horror, your lips moved, as though ghostly fingers were pulling at the corners, yanking them up into a wide, helpless grin. You'd lost control of your limbs. Staggering, you caught yourself on the toilet, sat down. It was as though a bubble had inflated in your belly - you had to let it out or explode.

Sinking back against the toilet, you let your head fall against the wall. And burst into helpless shrieks of laughter. You laughed until your ribs hurt. _Shinji's  got a vibrator stuck in his ass. Taicho of the Gotei 13, Buzz-taico. Vizzzzard._ Tears welled in your eyes, rolling down your face. You clutched at your stomach.

Shinji found his voice at last, scowling at you. 'Hey, it ain't my fuckin' fault!' His voice was bordering on shrill. 'Ya've been beggin' me fer weeks to let ya use that damn strap-on. I wanted ta see if there was any damn point to all yer whingin'! I had hold of the damn thing-'

'Shinji.' Your voice was hoarse.

'There was so much fuckin' lube-'

'Shinji.'

'Lost my grip-'

_'Shinji.'_

'WHAT?'

_Bzzzt._

Wiping your face, you said weakly, 'We've gotta go to the fourth.'

Shinji's expression melted into one of absolute horror. He shook his head. 'No way in hell. I'll get it out. I just-'

'There's a reason you don't use a dildo or vibrator in your ass without a flared base,' you said, getting up. Another giggle burbled up. 'I'd have thought someone as perverted as you would have realised that throughout the years. Haven't you watched enough porn?'

'Ay, shut up.'

'I'm not the one with a vibe in my butt, honey.'

Silence. Almost. The _bzzzzt_ took on a note of shame.

'Come on. I'll help you get some clothes on. The sooner it's out the sooner you can sulk.' He wanted to sulk now, from his toothy grimace, but the slim vibrator buzzing and oscillating against his prostrate was probably _quite_ distracting.

'But they'll know!'

'Yeah, well there's no other way to get it out. I doubt you can push it out with that much lube.'

His jaw clenched. He let you pull his arm across your shoulders. 'I'm never gonna get ta live this down, am I?'

'No, probably not,' you agreed as you helped him waddle to the bedroom. He groaned and whimpered the entire way, red from his neck to the tips of his ears, just peeking through his rumpled hair. You pulled out a casual yukata since getting him into hakama wasn't a suggestion that would go down well. He stood there shivering, letting you dress him like an oversized doll. You draped a heavy haori over his shoulders. 'Guess I'll have to _shunpo_ you there, huh?'

He grunted.

'You're so quiet. Maybe we should just leave it in,' you suggested, muffling a snort behind your hand. 'I could have so much peace and quiet.'

Shinji cut a sullen look toward you, his lips pinched together. 'Ya can quit laughin, woman. This ain't funny.'

'Since that's _my_ vibrator jiving in your asshole, _darling_ , I think I can laugh at you as much as I want.'

You led the reluctant taicho outside into the cool night. He tried to stand up straight and walk normally, winced, and hunched down again, sweat beading on his upper-lip and forehead. He leaned on you heavily, gritting his teeth as you geared yourself up to shunpo the pair of to the next division over. Since it was technically a medical problem, you took Shinji right to the door. He staggered on arrival, catching himself on your shoulder. His wince stirred up a little bit of pity. He was a dumbass, but he looked extremely uncomfortable.

'Hey.' You touched his face. His eyes opened. You leaned close, giving him a kiss on the cheek, then murmured close to his ear. 'We're gonna get that thing out, we're gonna go home and get very drunk, and tomorrow you're buying me a new one.'

'And we're never gonna mention this again, right, doll?' he asked hopefully.

You smiled sweetly. 'It must be nice in your little world, Shinji-kun. I'm never going to let you forget this.'

His expression fell flat, his eyes narrowing in irritation. 'Let's just get this done.'

Walking into the hospital with Hirako-taicho out of uniform and limping along beside you did garner a few stares. Shinji, crafty little bastard, clutched at his side, and put his arm back around your neck, using you as a crutch. The nurse at the reception smiled, sweetly oblivious to your boyfriend's humming anus.

'Hello, is it an emergency?'

'Of sorts,' you said. 'Hirako-taicho is in a bit of internal distress. Muscle cramp or something.' A blatant lie, but you weren't about to tell all and sundry what the problem was.

'I see. Karoji-san!' She called to a passing colleague. 'Escort Hirako-taicho and ____-san to a private examination room, please!'

An exchange of efficient words, and you were off, hobbling down hall after hall. Shinji's discomfort grew more pronounced with each corner you turned. By the time Karoji stopped to open a door, he looked ready to kill. Karoji let you both inside, then left.

'Take a seat?' you suggested to Shinji, gesturing toward the exam table.

He glowered. 'Funny.'

In the quiet that followed, the familiar muffled buzzing filled the room. _Kind of like a far away wasp_ , you thought. You didn't voice the notion aloud. No doubt Shinji would not appreciate it. Apparently, having something jammed up your ass really _did_ take away any sense of humour.

Maybe that explained Soifon. Is that why she always walked so stiffly?

You covered your mouth, turning a splutter of laughter into a cough. 'I wonder who they'll send?'

'I dunno. I just hope it's not-'

The door opened, admitting Retsu Unohana and her air of calm efficiency.

'-Retsu-san,' Shinji finished, turning it into a hasty greeting.

'Good evening.' She closed the door, running her eyes over Shinji, you, and back to Shinji. 'What seems to be the problem? You look very...strained, Shinji-kun.'

It was as though both of your jaws had locked. You exchanged a panicked glance with Shinji. It was one thing to discreetly tell a nurse what was going on. It was another to tell the most powerful woman in Soul Society. But, like a saving grace, the humming was there to fill the silence.

Unohana stared Shinji dead in the eye for ten excruciating seconds, then smiled gently, her eyes glinting. 'I think I understand the problem.'

Shinji's head sank into his hands.

Bzzzzt.

* * *

 

**Two Weeks Later**

'How long do the pair of ya plan on loungin' around in my office?' Shinji asked testily. He watched Lisa pour you another generous helping of chilled sake, then one for herself. All Shinji had to contend with was a large pile of paperwork he'd neglected for three days straight. 'Ain't ya got somewhere else ya can go?'

'It's comfortable in here,' you said, leaning back on the couch, stretching your arms above your head. I thought you'd be grateful we're keeping you company. Giving you two gorgeous people to look at.'

Lisa shrugged, sipping from her cup. 'If I go to my office, my fukutaicho just tries to find stuff for me to do. Yours just offers to go get lunch.' She lowered her cup. 'Hey, do you wanna swap?'

'Hell, no,' Shinji muttered, turning to you. 'Doll, ya sure ya don't wanna help me with this? Ya know yer better at paperwork than me.'

You glanced at Lisa. 'Did you hear something?'

Lisa turned a page in the magazine spread over her lap. 'Nope. Just a buzzing noise. Is there a wasp nest nearby?'

Shinji's face bled red. His hand tightened around his pen. 'No. There ain't.'

'There is is again,' you said. ' _Bzzzzt_.'

Lisa looked up, eyes dark and amused behind her glasses. She looked at Shinji. _Bzzzzt_.'

Shinji scowled. 'I hate you both.'


End file.
